For the past few years, I have made time at the end of the year to really take inventory of the past year. This exercise usually brings about some sadness, as well as a deep sense of gratefulness. It has become something I both dread and look forward to at the same time. Some years have been better than others.
This past year has been a challenging year for me: between some family members having health issues, to painful experiences in my spiritual life, to attending numerous funerals of dear friend’s loved ones, to a sudden job loss of a family member, to unraveling family relationships, to finally the arrival of a very unwelcome mental health issue for me, this year has left me feeling like a beaten-up rag-doll sitting in the corner of a boxing ring. And, so I sit contemplating and reflecting, with a downcast countenance and a weary soul that seems to be wrung out and tired. It has been a year I would love to forget!
Don’t get me wrong, there have also been very happy times this year: miraculous healing for a family member, a breakthrough for me after experiencing spiritual abuse, a temporary job for the family member who lost their job, a long-awaited family reunion, and helping my husband who coaches Cross Country, with the team events. The list of blessings and highs continues: deepened friendships, a relaxing summer vacation, great health for me throughout the year, a successful son who is a nursing student, creative endeavors in painting and writing, attending two contemplative/silent retreats, an opportunity to share my testimony with ladies at our church. It has been a year I would love to remember!
This ambivalence, this teetering between good and bad seems to be what life is made up of. Earlier this year I completed a course on Soul Care. In it I learned that we will never have a balanced life. It is more like finding a rhythm that is important. So instead of feeling like I am on that proverbial teeter-totter or seesaw, I have learned to live fully in both the ups and the downs. Doing this seems like the experiences are more vivid. I have learned to fully engage during each high and low, and then to take time to disengage from those experiences to rest and contemplate. It has been a difficult concept to put into practice.
The best part of this learning experience has been implementing a Sabbath in my week. A day where I unplug from all social media, a day where I enjoy God’s presence more fully, a day where I participate in life-giving activities like art, reading, worship, time with my loved ones. It has taken practice and discipline to make this change, but it has been a true life-giver! I received a beautiful Sandalwood Myrrh candle which I only light on Sundays, my Sabbath day. The wonderful aroma of this candle evokes a deep joy and peace in me, as I remember Emmanuel – God-with-me.
I guess looking back over this year, I feel disappointed that I don’t feel a lot better. I am frustrated that I end this year depressed and disheartened. Shouldn’t I feel much more uplifted, rested, and stronger? Shouldn’t I instead of being in a pit, be on a mountain top? The over-achiever inside me rebels, but without much fight.
The reflection continues. Maybe if I hadn’t made all these good changes I would be worse off? Maybe if I hadn’t taken as much time to engage in each experience I would not have truly lived? What if I hadn’t made implementing a day of rest a priority? And suddenly deep gratitude invades me!
Without taking care of my soul, I would never have made it at all. I would have brushed over the good events and buried my head in the sand for the bad events. I would have been a rag doll torn in two, lying outside the boxing ring. But here I am, sitting in the corner of the boxing ring, beaten up, but whole inside. And I look up, and the Referee of this boxing game of my life, holds out his hand and says: “Well done, it is well with your soul!”
He reminds me of Romans 5:1-5 “Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
This past year my word of the year was FREEDOM. The verse that went along with this was Galatians 5:13 “For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.” Reading this again, I realize how much freedom I have gained from taking care of my soul! Looking into the new year, I believe that my word of the year is HOPE.
Even though I end this year on a low note and a looming depression, I have hope, because God is a God of new beginnings, changes, and joy. He didn’t leave my side this past year, why would He ever leave my side now? God is Emmanuel, God is the same yesterday, today and forever. It seems like a controversy that He is a God of change, but always the same. But those two concepts are not is disagreement. God never changes, but He is the One who brings about change in me and in situations in my life. Those changes He brings about give me HOPE.
So I get up from the corner of the boxing ring, and I continue the hard work of reflecting. This year I am using the Arise Devotional Journal to help me reflect, analyze and set goals for 2024. The best part is not having this beautiful journal, but God the Father sustaining me, Jesus my Shepherd guiding me, and the Holy Spirit encouraging me!
Wishing you time to reflect and contemplate as well!
Until next time,
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