Why I question the term “best friend”

During the past few months, I have been pondering friendships a lot. It has been a very dark time in my life with my husband being in between jobs, and then me finding a lump in my breast. I have felt like a proverbial Job, trying to make sense of this mess I call my life.

A few years ago, I had a nudge from God to do an in-depth study of the book of Job. I rebelled against this. “Really God?” I asked as he kept pushing me toward doing this study. I was perplexed. At that time were in the midst of a very trying time. My husband was having unresolved health issues, plus we were dealing with very difficult circumstances at our church.

At that time, I was part of a group of women who met once a week to dig deep into God’s Word and into life together. We were not doing a Bible study together, each of us was in a different study. But we committed to meet and share every week. We memorized Scripture and we shared what God had taught us each in the past week. Each of us had different strengths that we used to build each other up.

That is when I got another glimpse of true friendship in a Christian sense. We could let off steam, share our innermost fears and feelings, laugh together until the whole room lit up, and cry together guiltfree of being judged. There was a deep sense of togetherness, fellowship, and raw honesty. It was a good place, a safe place, and an enriching place to grow.

Of course, when I was studying the book of Job, I shared what I had learned during my week many times at this gathering. When I came to the section of Job’s friends coming to visit him and mourn and grieve with him his many losses, it reminded me of our weekly get togethers. Often one of us was sharing something really hard that was happening in our life. The other group members would just sit and listen, sometimes cry with us. But of course, that is where the comparison to Job’s “friends” would end.

Eventually Job’s friends reprimanded, accused, and hurt him with their words of “wisdom”.  Our group on the other hand empathized, prayed, asked poignant questions, gently suggested ways to deal with challenges. We had healthy relationships based on Christ’s love with each other.

I have always searched for a “best friend”. My dear friend from high school days was my first best friend. We did so many things together. We could be totally honest with each other, laugh together, cry together, be crazy together. We loved each other deeply and what connected our friendship like glue, was a common denominator: Jesus! However, after graduating from high school, we took different courses at university and didn’t spend much time together anymore. So, the “best” fell away and we were friends only. We are still friends to this day, and she is and has been doing life with me, even though she lives on a different continent and we talk with each other maybe once or twice a year.

When I came to the USA and attended college, I had no idea how to make new friends. I would sit in the cafeteria, in classes, or outside and people watch. I would dream of being the person on the opposite side of the table, when I saw someone having a conversation with someone else. The first few semesters were pretty lonely for me, but once I got into the Occupational Therapy program things changed! It seemed like it got easier to make friends, once I had a common goal with others. I also started helping some students study, which helped me make new friends as well.

I gained another really good friend at college. Even though she had other friends and was a year ahead of me, she reached out to me in love. She invited me for many years in a row to spend Thanksgiving with her and her extended family. In her, I found a new “best friend” to me! We also are still connected to this day.

Finding a church to attend had been another challenge when coming to the USA. However, after finding one, this is where I made more wonderful friends. All of a sudden, I had more “best friends”. One best friend was my spiritual mentor, another best friend was my classy benefactor, yet another best friend was my helper. You get the picture?

Doesn’t best friend mean that the friend who bears this title is best at all of it and is my friend exclusively? I guess that some people have that kind of relationship with one friend. But does that not put a lot of strain onto a relationship? We all change, and our needs all change. So, if I have a certain expectation that my best friend is my best friend, what happens if she doesn’t reciprocate that expectation? What if she actually thinks of someone else as her best friend? How do you even measure “best”?

So, these are the things I have been pondering these past few months. I have long since given up the “best friend” idea. But I have had to make peace with the fact that some friends don’t respond how I had thought they would respond in difficult times or even in good times for that matter. I have questioned their motives, I have wondered about my status with them as a friend, and I have felt hurt. However, I have also looked deep inside myself and come to the conclusion, that I have let friends down, that I have backed down from relationships when I changed or situations changed, and that most of the time, my expectations have been unrealistic regarding friends.

As I was sharing these thoughts with a friend who was visiting me the other day, I described to her what friends are like. I described to her that friends are like a box of gems. When you wake up, and realize that today you really could use some prayer, you take out the Praying Gem Friend. You contact her and tell her you need prayer and you know that she will be praying for you throughout the day. On another day you may need your Down-to-earth Gem Friend. She is someone who gives it to you like it is, but with a sense of humor and godliness intermingled in her advice. On yet another day you open the box to take out your Acts-of-service Gem Friend. You know this friend is reliable in taking care of your very basic needs of picking up some groceries or taking you to an appointment. You suddenly realize that you have a whole jewelry box filled with many, many gems to pick from! This fills you with gratitude and you realize how thankful you can be for having such a variety of gems available to you.

The friend who was visiting with me, encouraged me to paint this. Usually when someone suggests for me to paint something, I pay attention. Painting has been a very therapeutic outlet for me in this time of waiting, so I agreed to paint this. I prayed about it and sketched something. God gave me the most beautiful idea for a part of the background: to write down names of all the women in my life who have had some godly influence – essentially to write down all the names of my Gem Friends.

I think this is one of my favorite paintings ever! It speaks of Christ’s love, the vibrance of friendship, and how very blessed I am. It was a wonderful trip for me down memory lane. I sat in wonder, writing down the names and pondering how and when each of these Gem Friends had ministered to me. But most of all, I was in awe of God, and how he has always provided for me!

I don’t know what the days ahead hold for me, but I am sure that my box of gems will help carry me through. I am rich, I am blessed, I am loved, and I am very thankful for each of my Gem Friends!

We have this treasure from God, but we are only like clay jars that hold the treasure. This is to show that the amazing power we have is from God, not from us.

2 Corinthians 4:7 (ERV)

Until next time,