Craters of the Moon National Monument and Preserve ©Wiebke Papenfus 2019
Have you ever gone on an impromptu trip? Maybe someone invited you to join them for a day of discovery, or your significant other blindfolded you and took you on an adventure, or maybe you got into your car and just started driving - destination unknown. You might be the kind of thrill-seeking person, who thrives not knowing the outcome of the road less traveled.
I am the type of person who over-plans. I make copious preparations for any trip I go on. A perfect example would be the trip our family took out west in 2019. That trip took me over a year to plan! Planning which airline to travel with, finding the right Airbnbs closest to each place we would visit, figuring out how many hours it would take us to drive from one destination to another, were all included in the planning process. Because planning and research are my superpowers, the trip turned out really great. Well, that is, everything except the car rental place (but I diverge, because that is another story).
When I discovered the lump on my left breast on January 12th of this year, I did not realize that I would begin a journey that I had not anticipated or planned. According to the Merriam Webster dictionary “in modern English, journey now refers to a trip without regard to the amount of time it takes”. A trip on the other hand is defined as “a brief errand or journey with a purpose that often takes place on a regular basis”. This means that I am on a journey, not a trip.
A dear friend who has experienced many health issues in the past, including having cancer, was texting with me shortly after I received the results from my first mammogram and ultrasound. I was thanking her for the wonderful verses she was sending me for my “mess”. She texted me back that she called her mess a “journey”, which she was still on. I told her that that was a great way of seeing it, and I would start calling my “mess” a “journey” after receiving the results from my first biopsy. She responded that I was already on the journey and that the biopsy was just one of the milestones along my journey. I literally stomped my foot reading that! I muttered out aloud “but I don’t want to be on a journey, I prefer to plan a trip to go on.” I texted her that foot-stomping response, and told her that I could just hear her laugh as she was reading that. Having a great sense of humor, this sweet friend responded that she had in actual fact laughed when reading it, albeit not in a bad way.
In the next few days, my journey started in all earnest, when I received the official diagnosis of moderately aggressive invasive ductal carcinoma. I felt overwhelmed by emotions of frustration, sadness, anger, depression, grief. I felt that this journey was turning into a nightmare cruise on a sinking ship. Waves upon waves of information, paperwork to be filled out, caring texts, phone calls, voicemails, and appointments for more procedures to be kept, made me feel like I was drowning. My life was suddenly turned upside down and all sorts of people were on this shipwreck with me.
My life became a myriad of appointments for more MRI’s, extra biopsies, another mammogram, a tomosynthesis, and phone consultations with various doctors. Between all that, many friends and acquaintances started texting me, calling me, reaching out to me. Because I am an encourager plus control freak by nature and am very responsive, I tried to get back to every single person. But it was to no avail, I just didn’t have the time or emotional capacity to reply to each person.
We are part of a medical share plan, so I was also trying desperately to fill in all the paperwork to send in to them, in order for us to get reimbursed. Every procedure and appointment I had, had to have an itemized bill sent in. All my appointments had to be made by me, as I was also trying to find the most cost effective options. Keeping all the paperwork in order became a full time job for me.
Going on a journey and being on a journey is best if you have companions. The best companions you can have, is the ones who listen quietly, who pray, who pick up your slack, who jump in to help in practical ways, who cry with you, who laugh with you, who don’t ask questions. I realized very quickly that I needed a travel agent: someone who could help navigate me through the practical parts of this journey. I needed a team to assist not only me, but my family as well.
God is my ultimate Travel Agent, but he has given me several human travel agents to assist me on this journey. One travel agent is into public relations, another is into food provision, another is into spiritual direction, yet another is into hospitality. These amazing agents are working behind the scenes to help me traverse this difficult path that lies ahead. They may not be able to plot the course or outcome of this journey, but they do make my life a lot better.
Now you are wondering how the title of this blog has anything to do with my journey. A few days ago, I was listening to a devotion. In it, it was talking about Moses and the journey he was to take the Israelites on. In Exodus 3:8, Moses is told to “go to the king of Egypt and tell him, ‘The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has met with us. So please let us take a three-day journey into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord, our God.’” You probably know the story - after facing many challenges, Pharaoh finally relents and lets them go. The story goes on and Exodus 13:18a reads “So God led them in a roundabout way through the wilderness toward the Red Sea.” It was not going to be a quick planned trip to the promised land, but a lengthy, unknown, and grueling journey.
This is exactly how I feel right now. This journey I am just starting, is into an alien territory for me. It will be a dangerous, terrifying, and intimidating undertaking into a wasteland. The devotion prompted me to consider this wilderness I’m facing right now with provocative questions:
· What if this battle is the key to my calling, and maybe will have the greatest impact on the lives of others?
· What if my depravity becomes my conquest, and my trial becomes my feat and my testimony?
· Could this journey of adversity and uncertainty be fertile soil for God’s calling on my life to be planted and to grow into fruitfulness?
The devotion also included a prayer, that I want to share with you:
"Lord, today I choose to see my wilderness not as punishment, but as preparation for divine purpose. In the wilderness, speak to me tenderly, lead and guide me. Use this season to shape me to an agent of freedom and deliverance for others".
This prayer gave me so much hope. I don’t walk on into the wilderness alone! The same God who led the Israelites, will lead me. I have travel companions and I have travel agents to accompany me. I will eat manna daily just like the Israelites ate, which was only good for one day. I will go into the wilderness, taking one step and one day at a time. I will have to relinquish my superpower of planning, and submit my journey to God alone.
If you want to stay updated on the details of my journey click here.
God bless,
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