This journey I am on, this wilderness I am traveling in, is so unpredictable and so exhausting. Just when I think I've got a handle on one aspect, another facet rears its ugly head. This breast cancer battle is a battle not just of a physical nature, but mostly of an emotional, mental, and spiritual kind. In the past I have been able to will myself to do almost anything I set my mind to. But no, this is a totally different kind of beast.
Since receiving my first infusion of chemotherapy, I have been up and down so many times, that I cannot even compare it to a rollercoaster any longer. I don't have too much nausea because I am on two medications to help with that. No, the problem is the fatigue, the sense of being a zombie, the short term memory loss, the weakness, the lack of motivation, and then the dreaded depression.
I always knew that envy is a sin, but until now, I've never experienced such a deep sense of envy. All around me the world keeps on turning. People are jogging, people are getting together with friends and a family, people are planning vacations, people are healthy, people are eating anything they want. I see it all, and it takes my breath away to think that I was once one of those people. I grieve. I think back on all the days I wasted, all the days I was healthy, all the days I knew that breast cancer existed, but was totally unaware of the havoc it causes.
This path is a very lonely road. Even though I have a fabulous support system, I still get those infusions by myself. I still have to deal with grieving every loss I personally experience by myself. The ONLY constant is God's presence. In all the 5 months of this journey, He has never left my side or my inside!
So far, I have experienced two very close encounters of His loving presence. One was in the week following my surgery. I was having a very low day, after I had a phone call from the breast surgeon to let me know that they had found five out of the eight lymph nodes removed to be cancerous. In actual fact, I was so downcast, that I didn't even want to get up out of bed. On the morning of my follow-up visit with my breast surgeon, I dragged myself out of bed and hardly looked up to greet my dear sister. I silently sat crying and drinking a smoothie she had lovingly prepared for me. Then I decided to text some of my prayer warrior friends an SOS prayer request of sorts.
What happened next was beyond anything I'd ever experienced. When I got up from the table to place my empty smoothie mug in the sink, I felt like I was levitating! I stared at my sister, to see if she could see me floating, but she just smiled at me. I felt a gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit saying to me, "see this is what it feels like to be uplifted in prayer". I was speechless! I sat down, pulled up my playlist and started praising God with hands lifted high. My sister just stared at me in total disbelief. I had literally changed from a defeated wimp into Zena Warrior Princess. We sat listening to the complete playlist and we were on holy ground.
The other encounter happened this morning! When I woke up this morning, I was continuing my Memorial Day Weekend pity party from the day before. I was imagining all my friends and their families heading to church to worship together and then spending time enjoying a delicious lunch together. My head was aching and I was feeling drained, even though I had just woken up. I was wondering how much of the online worship service I would even be able to take in. Then I decided to send SOS prayer requests to two friends. One of them responded almost immediately that she was requesting others to pray for me as well (in California and the UK). I also let my friends on my Facebook support group know that I was feeling like a demented zombie.
Between these three ways of reaching out, God granted me enough energy to complete a 2 mile walk on the trail this morning! I also started feeling uplifted and physically a lot better. My dear husband accompanied me, and I told him to go for a run and that I would be okay walking on my own while listening to my playlist. I felt so much better once I had walked! When we came back home we watched the online service. I did have to take a nap about half-way through the service, but that is okay, because I can watch the rest later.
I am so thankful that I get to sit in front of my laptop and type up something. I pray that this blog entry will uplift you and that you will be able to experience God's amazing love for you as well.
This is one of the songs on my playlist. It is a song by Casting Crowns.
I came to You
With my heart in pieces
And found the God
With healing in His hands
I turned to You
Put everything behind me
And found the God
Who makes all things new
I looked to You
Drowning in my questions
And found the God
Who holds all wisdom
And I trusted You
And stepped out on the oceans
You caught my hand among the waves
'Cause You are the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
I will give You all my praise
My seasons change
You stay the same
You're the God of all my days
I ran from You
Wandered in the shadows
And found a God
Who relentlessly pursues
I hid from You
Haunted by my failure
And found the God
Whose grace still covers me
I fell on You
When I was at my weakest
And found the God
The lifter of my head
And I've worshipped You
And felt You right beside me
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You're the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
I will give You all my praise
My seasons change
You stay the same
You're the God of all my days
In my worry
God, You are my stillness
In my searching
God, You are my answers
In my blindness
God, You are my vision
In my bondage
God, You are my freedom
And in my weakness
God, You are my power
You're the reason that I sing
'Cause You are the God of all my days
Each step I take
You make a way
I will give You all my praise
My seasons change
You stay the same
You're the God of all my days
In my blindness
God, You are my vision
And in my bondage
God, You are my freedom
Songwriters: Jason Ingram / John Mark Hall
God of All My Days lyrics © So Essential Tunes, Be Essential Songs
Blessings until next time,
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